| Animal
Tales |
| It
was our cat's first winter. When a snowstorm came up suddenly, we tried
frantically to find Ginger, calling him repeatedly and poking into snowdrifts
round the verandah where he liked to hide. Finally I rang the police station
to inquire if a 'found' cat had been reported. The sergeant listened politely
to my tale, and assured me that cats had been known to live through terrible
storms. 'Ginger,' I added, in a hopeful note, 'is exceptionally intelligent.
In fact, he almost talks.' 'In that case, madam,' replied the sergeant,
'hang up', he's probably trying to call you now.'
A
man stopped at the vet's to fetch the family puppy. When he reached home
he told his wife, 'He can't have enjoyed the visit. He barked all the way
home as if he was trying to tell me something.' 'You're right,' she agreed.
'He was trying to tell you you brought the wrong dog home.' |
A
crowd had gathered outside the cage of the mother orangutan and her new
baby at the zoo. Each time the tiny monkey tried to climb around the cage,
the mother nonchalantly reached out with one paw and pulled the baby back.
'Just look at that big ape!' one woman said to her friend. 'Doesn't she
have a contented look on her face?' "'Why shouldn't she,' her friend retorted.
'She's got what every mother would like to have --- four arms!'
Leader
of a flock of geese to bird following behind: 'Stop that infernal honking;
if you want to pass, pass! '
A
waiter in a famous restaurant took his son to the zoo, and saw an attendant
throw a big slab of meat into the lion's cage and walk away. 'Daddy,' the
boy said, 'why did he throw the food instead of serving it nicely, the
way you do?' 'Confidentially,' replied the waiter, 'lions are rotten tippers.' |
|
| Other
Hands Than Ours |
| Science
students at a naval base were learning the techniques of programming the
school's large computer. One student carefully programmed the machine and
the computer quickly typed out the solution. To confirm the answer, the
student reprogrammed the same problem. The computer again typed the same
solution with the added postscript: 'You bet it works, chum!'
Interested
in testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine
to predict the probability of the Third World War and promptly received
a one-word answer: 'Yes.' Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer queried,
'Yes, what?' and a few seconds later the machine tapped out the reply:
'Yes, sir!'
One
worker to another, deciphering tape from computer machine: 'It wants Saturday
off.' |
Perhaps
we're worrying too much about automation taking our jobs. Whenever a traffic
jam gets really bad, they turn off the traffic lights and bring in a policeman.
Computer
mechanic to company executive: 'I've found the cause of your slowdown.
The big computer is shoving all the work on to the little computer.'
One
secretary to another as they eye giant computing machine: 'It replaced
25 men -- darn it!'
Saleswoman
to voluptuous customer trying on revealing dress: 'It's purposely
a little dating for office wear -- it's designed to make the boss think
twice before installing automation.'
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| Vanity
of Vanities |
Women
who are now choosing beachwear might profit from this advice from the late
Dorothy Dix. A reader wrote to the columnist: 'Is it considered good form
for a lady to appear on a public bathing beach in a low-cut backless bathing
suit?'
'If
your form is a good form, it is good form,' Mrs. Dix replied. 'Otherwise,
otherwise.' |
A
local farmworker who is justifiably proud of his abundance of curly
black hair wears it very long. One day his barber teased him, 'If I cut
off those sideburns of yours, I'll bet nobody would recognize you.'
'Could
be,' mused the young man, then added quickly, 'and I bet nobody would recognize
you, either.' |
|
| Battle
of Sexes |
A
young lady oyster had just returned from her first date with a lobster
and was telling her oyster friend about it.
'He
was simply marvelous,' she said. 'First he looked deep into my eyes. Then
he put his arms round me. Then he...'
A
look of horror came over her as she clutched at her throat and cried out,
'Good heavens! My pearls!'
The
handsome young man seated at a restaurant table fancies himself a lady-killer.
He flirted with the waitress throughout the meal, but she remained unruffled.
By the time she brought his bill, he was getting a little put out. He looked
straight into her eyes: 'Aren't there little words you'd like me to whisper
in your pretty pink ear?'
'Yes,'
she said, looking straight back at him. 'Keep the change.' |
My
18 year old brother in the navy telephones home to tell my mother he wanted
to marry a girl he had known only two weeks. Frantic, Mother tried to make
him see that he shouldn't rush into marriage, that he should wait till
he knew the girl better. But his mind was made up. For the next week Mother
was sick with worry. Then she received another phone call. 'Mum,' my brother
said, 'you can stop worrying! I've decided to have my car resprayed instead.
It's cheaper!'
A
film starlet had just broken off her engagement to her wealthy fiancé.
'I saw him in a swim suit one day,' she explained, 'and he looked so different
without his wallet.' |
|
| Evenings
Out |
| After-dinner
speaker's remark: 'Now before I start I want to say something.'
At
the conclusion of a concert two ushers were applauding harder than anybody
else. People seated nearby smiled appreciatively at the two music lovers
-- until one of them stopped applauding and the other one was heard to
say, 'Keep clapping, you dope. One more encore and we're on overtime!' |
Feeling
it was high time my 14-year-old niece realized that there are other sounds
than pop music, I took her to a symphony concert. She sat in silence until
the end of the first movement. Then she turned to me and, in a very audible
whisper, said, 'I'm afraid I'm not with this, auntie. You'll have to tell
me when we start to scream.' |
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