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Fun Fare
Animal Tales
It was our cat's first winter. When a snowstorm came up suddenly, we tried frantically to find Ginger, calling him repeatedly and poking into snowdrifts round the verandah where he liked to hide. Finally I rang the police station to inquire if a 'found' cat had been reported. The sergeant listened politely to my tale, and assured me that cats had been known to live through terrible storms. 'Ginger,' I added, in a hopeful note, 'is exceptionally intelligent. In fact, he almost talks.' 'In that case, madam,' replied the sergeant, 'hang up', he's probably trying to call you now.'

A man stopped at the vet's to fetch the family puppy. When he reached home he told his wife, 'He can't have enjoyed the visit. He barked all the way home as if he was trying to tell me something.' 'You're right,' she agreed. 'He was trying to tell you you brought the wrong dog home.'

A crowd had gathered outside the cage of the mother orangutan and her new baby at the zoo. Each time the tiny monkey tried to climb around the cage, the mother nonchalantly reached out with one paw and pulled the baby back. 'Just look at that big ape!' one woman said to her friend. 'Doesn't she have a contented look on her face?' "'Why shouldn't she,' her friend retorted. 'She's got what every mother would like to have --- four arms!'

Leader of a flock of geese to bird following behind: 'Stop that infernal honking; if you want to pass, pass! '

A waiter in a famous restaurant took his son to the zoo, and saw an attendant throw a big slab of meat into the lion's cage and walk away. 'Daddy,' the boy said, 'why did he throw the food instead of serving it nicely, the way you do?' 'Confidentially,' replied the waiter, 'lions are rotten tippers.'

Other Hands Than Ours
Science students at a naval base were learning the techniques of programming the school's large computer. One student carefully programmed the machine and the computer quickly typed out the solution. To confirm the answer, the student reprogrammed the same problem. The computer again typed the same solution with the added postscript: 'You bet it works, chum!'

Interested in testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of the Third World War and promptly received a one-word answer: 'Yes.' Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer queried, 'Yes, what?' and a few seconds later the machine tapped out the reply: 'Yes, sir!'

One worker to another, deciphering tape from computer machine: 'It wants Saturday off.'

Perhaps we're worrying too much about automation taking our jobs. Whenever a traffic jam gets really bad, they turn off the traffic lights and bring in a policeman.

Computer mechanic to company executive: 'I've found the cause of your slowdown. The big computer is shoving all the work on to the little computer.'

One secretary to another as they eye giant computing machine: 'It replaced 25 men -- darn it!'

Saleswoman to voluptuous customer  trying on revealing dress: 'It's purposely a little dating for office wear -- it's designed to make the boss think twice before installing automation.'


Vanity of Vanities
Women who are now choosing beachwear might profit from this advice from the late Dorothy Dix. A reader wrote to the columnist: 'Is it considered good form for a lady to appear on a public bathing beach in a low-cut backless bathing suit?'
'If your form is a good form, it is good form,' Mrs. Dix replied. 'Otherwise, otherwise.'
A local  farmworker who is justifiably proud of his abundance of curly black hair wears it very long. One day his barber teased him, 'If I cut off those sideburns of yours, I'll bet nobody would recognize you.'
'Could be,' mused the young man, then added quickly, 'and I bet nobody would recognize you, either.'

Battle of Sexes
A young lady oyster had just returned from her first date with a lobster and was telling her oyster friend about it.
'He was simply marvelous,' she said. 'First he looked deep into my eyes. Then he put his arms round me. Then he...'
A look of horror came over her as she clutched at her throat and cried out, 'Good heavens! My pearls!'

The handsome young man seated at a restaurant table fancies himself a lady-killer. He flirted with the waitress throughout the meal, but she remained unruffled. By the time she brought his bill, he was getting a little put out. He looked straight into her eyes: 'Aren't there little words you'd like me to whisper in your pretty pink ear?'
'Yes,' she said, looking straight back at him. 'Keep the change.'

My 18 year old brother in the navy telephones home to tell my mother he wanted to marry a girl he had known only two weeks. Frantic, Mother tried to make him see that he shouldn't rush into marriage, that he should wait till he knew the girl better. But his mind was made up. For the next week Mother was sick with worry. Then she received another phone call. 'Mum,' my brother said, 'you can stop worrying! I've decided to have my car resprayed instead. It's cheaper!'

A film starlet had just broken off her engagement to her wealthy fiancé. 'I saw him in a swim suit one day,' she explained, 'and he looked so different without his wallet.'

Evenings Out
After-dinner speaker's remark: 'Now before I start I want to say something.'

At the conclusion of a concert two ushers were applauding harder than anybody else. People seated nearby smiled appreciatively at the two music lovers -- until one of them stopped applauding and the other one was heard to say, 'Keep clapping, you dope. One more encore and we're on overtime!'

Feeling it was high time my 14-year-old niece realized that there are other sounds than pop music, I took her to a symphony concert. She sat in silence until the end of the first movement. Then she turned to me and, in a very audible whisper, said, 'I'm afraid I'm not with this, auntie. You'll have to tell me when we start to scream.'

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Copyright 2000 Ron C. Velasco